Vandaag laat ik het…

… even aan iemand anders over, a bit of Fry and Laurie:

– Say ’99’
– 99
– Hm. Say ‘thank you’
– Thank you
– Hm. Say ‘breasts’
– Breasts
– Hm, ‘ah’
– Ah
– Good
– Good
– Yes, you can do your shirt up now mr. Pepperdime
– Everything, everything as it should be?
– I don’t think there’s any thing to worry about there. Nou you say you’ve had a little difficulty breathing at night?
– Ah, yes, that’s right yeah
– Have you been bringing up any sputum?
– Er, no, not realy
– Any yellow or green in your flegm, blood?
– No
– A bit of tightness in the chest?
– Ah, yes a little yes.
– Aha, headaches?
– Eh, apart from the children you mean? Eh, no not realy no.
– (forced) Ha ha ha ha ha. Right, well I think I’m going to put you on a course of these. (puts cigarette on table) I don’t know if you’ve ever had them before. One 20 times a day.
– Eh, wat are they?
– Ah, it’s a simple arcenousmonixide nicotinal preparation. Taken bronchially as an infumation.
– An infumation?
– Yes, you light the end, and breathe in.
– Oh, like cigarettes?
– Oh, you know them then? Yes. A little hard for a doctor to admit, but basically they’re a herbal remedy.
– Oh, herbal cigarettes
– That’s right, yes, ehm, the leaf comes orignally from America I believe. It’s called tobacco.
– But medicated?
– Medicated? No.
– What, these are ordinary cigarettes?
– That’s right
– But that’s horribly bad for you, is it?
– Hahaha, I hardly would be prescribing them if they where bad for you, would I?
– What? Twenty a day?
– That’s right, ideally rising to thirty or fourty if they seem to be doing the trick.
– But these, these give you lungcancer, bonchitis, emphysema, doesn’t it?
– What on earth gives you that idea?
– Well, I thought everybody knew that!
– Haha, are you a doctor?
– No, no but it stands to reason
– What are you talking about ‘stands to reason’, I mean, you wouldn’t know what a pair of lungs did if you hadn’t been told. Would you? It has taken mankind thousends of years to work out what a heart does what bloodvessels are for, what kidneys do. And now just because you read a few weedy magazinarticles you think you know more about the human body than I do?
– No, no, but it can’t be natural can it?
– It’s a perfectly natural leaf!
– But setting fire to it and inhaling
– Well, it’s more natural than baked (inaudible) or nylon sox.
– Well yes, but you don’t inhale nylon sox! At least, I don’t.
– A bit of leaf smoke to loosen the lungs, clear the head, ease that tightness. Perfectly sound.
– Pah! You’ll be telling that cholesterol isn’t bad for you next!
– What’s cholesterol?
– Well, you know…
– Yes I know perfectly well, but I don’t suppose you ‘d even heard of it till about five years ago had you? You’d die without the stuff.
– Yes, but too much is bad for you.
– But of course too much is bad for you, too much of anything is bad for you, you blithering twat! That’s what too much means! Too much water would be bad for you. Obiviously, too much is precisely that quantity which is excessive. That’s what it means, jesus!
– Well I thought
– You thought! You didn’t think at all did you? Cigaretts are healing, harmless and natural.
– Well if you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion
– That is your privilege
– Right
– My second opinion is that they’re also cheap (inaudible)
– Realy?
– Yep. If you want a third opinion, I’ll tell you that they’re healing, soothing and sexy
– Well, that seems to clinch it.
– Exactly, so (hands out prescription) 20 a day, rising to 30 or 40 as necessary
– And the tightness in the chest
– Should disappear completely
– Right, well, you’re the doctor
– Hmmm?
– I said, you’re the doctor
– What on earth gives you that idea?
– What, you did!
– You’re pathetic aren’t you. I’m a tobacconist, isn’t it obvious?
– Well, well no!
– Well, I do grant you it does look a little bit more like a doctors surgery than a tobacconists
– Why?
– Why? Because you’re the kind of git that falls for that sort of thing! That’s why! It’s the same reason that cosmetic salesstaff wear white coats! Because fools like you think that something with a Swiss name that calls its self a skin treatment, is better for you than a tube of cold cream, because that’s all you’re actually getting. You’re a credulous git, mister Pepperdime. A stethoscope and a plausible manner don’t make a doctor, I’m a con-man and you are a moron.
– So you’re not a doctor?
– Could be?!
– What do you think?
– You realy want to know?
– I’d be facinated!
– Well, I think you’ve taken a reasonably interesting idea and you basically just completely overworked it, I think. What started out as quite an interesting statement on our succeptibility to received ideas, has just turned into a rambling vague, ill thought out, piece of drivel, frankly. And I think you ought to end it now.
– Oh, really?
– Yeah!
– Well I think that shows you completely misunder…

En zeg nu niet dat ik me er makkelijk vanaf maak, want ik heb het zelf getranscribeerd (dat doe ik dus ook nooit meer hihi, wat een klus!).